Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Off Topic: What watching movies has taught me

If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Every time you drive a car off a cliff, it will explode.

If you can't outrun it, find a fridge.

In the event of any explosion throw yourself flat on the ground, even a nuclear explosion will pass harmlessly over your head, leaving you scorched but miraculously free from any effects.

It is technologically impossible to construct an explosive device that does not include an LCD timer, and/or flashing red LED lights.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

A mans wounds may occasionally start bleeding again to remind us that they are serious, but they will never become infected or require significant medical attention. (On the rare occasion that he is admitted to the hospital, when he regains consciousness, he will remove his own IV lines and leave the critical ward to go after the bad guy.)

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

No matter how much ransom is demanded, the money will always fit into a single briefcase.

A detective cannot solve a serious crime until he or she has been removed from the case and suspended from duty. This usually involves surrendering his or her gun and badge.

Autistic or developmentally challenged children are nearly always savants, who can break military-grade encryption schemes without computer, calculator, or scratch paper.

If you think really hard, you can figure out the bad guy’s computer password in 2 or 3 attempts.

Complex electronics are never protected by circuit breakers, surge suppressors, battery backup power, or fire suppression systems. As a result, mainframe computers can be relied upon to explode dramatically when any overload condition exists.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty or without ever running into any actual ventilation equipment.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

All single women have a cat.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

If a crazy old woman utters a prophesy, it will always come to pass. (This is especially true if the old woman is blind, has a severe cataract over one eye, or if she speaks in unknown tongues.)

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

No matter how much of a head start you have or how fast you run, when you stumble the monster will catch you. (This applies even if you are an Olympic runner, and the monster is shambling along like an old man on crutches dragging an anvil.)

If you are going to build your house over a graveyard, for God's sakes, move the bodies too, not just the headstones. Or at least smash all the TV's in your house.

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